When you first hear you have cancer, the room kind of spins. You sit there and life kind of slows down. The whole world stops, but your brain can't stop racing. Now as someone who has anxiety, a racing brain is not a novel feeling. But this was different. See with anxiety, you can take a pill or exercise to erase it. However, with cancer, everything is an unknown.

On September 24th, 2016, I was diagnosed with Stage III melanoma. As someone in college and away from home, the news hit me one hundred times harder. The funny thing is when people learn that you have cancer, you get a lot of pity. People who you barely talk to start offering you everything. You get asked out on dates because everyone wants to be the hero. But the truth is I refuse all of it and here's why:

-I don't want your pity.

-I want true love.

-I don't want to be a charity case.

What I do want is love from this one guy. He's one of the most honest and loving people I've met. Just one problem: he's my ex. I thought cancer was a sign we should get back together because I know our love is still there, and we're meant to be. I knew that while I lose my hair and my cheeks swell, I wanted him by my side telling me I'm beautiful. I knew that this experience could bring us so close together, and his love would be honest. I guess that feeling of forever never goes away. You see, I fucked up. I lost the love of my life because everything was going to shit in my life, and I couldn't handle it. There were problems with my dad, anxiety from leaving everything familiar, and being scared of losing everything close to me. I'm scared, and I'm alone...all I want is him by my side and to make him happy. But hey, now I'm just a girl with cancer who fucks up everything she touches. I'm living my worst nightmare, and I'm living it alone.